there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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