this beer tastes like vomit already
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
