he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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