My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
