i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
