if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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