Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize