I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
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Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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