im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
