Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
