My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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