That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
