woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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