Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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