Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
