You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
