im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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