and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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