So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
