Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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