Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
