i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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