You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
