new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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