FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize