Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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