he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I did not marry a roomba.
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