can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
