careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
