He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
