maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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