College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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