my phone needs a breathalizer
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
