Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
