She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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