is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
