I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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