cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think I sprained my soul last night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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