When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
