the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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