We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
