my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
