rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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