I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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