ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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