i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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