Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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