Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
