I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
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Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
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I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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