Your face is a jimmy john
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The air was thick with penises
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
