i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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