if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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