i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
