There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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