Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize