My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
