i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
