So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
